One of the initial things I encourage you to do now that you are about to have, or have had, a son is to spend a while compiling a vision of who you would like your son to be when he grows up. I call this your Goal Profile. What kind of man would make you proud? Think about those men you would most like him to emulate. Who are your real heroes? Is there a special man in your life who you would like him to take after? Or perhaps a combination of men whose traits you would like to encourage in your son?
The primary aim of coaching is to help people achieve their ultimate potential. As a parenting coach, focused on parents of boys, my aim is to help you be the best parents to your sons that you can be. The tools of the trade are goals, strategies and actions.
Goals are dreams with deadlines. They are set without knowing exactly how they are going to be achieved, just that you know they can be achieved within a specific timeframe. It is just as important to set goals for your children and parenting as it is for any other area of your life. Goals focus us as parents on what is important and help keep us focused. Creating meaningful and powerful goals is fundamental to your success as a parent. Once the goal is right, the strategies become clear and the actions to get there become almost obvious, especially if you enlist the expertise of a knowledgeable coach.
But the real value of coaching is much deeper than the goals that are set and achieved. The richness and reward comes from the emotional journey, the confidence that develops, the new skills and habits born and learned along the way. Goals, strategies and actions facilitate this voyage of growth and ensure that learning happens.
In putting together your Goal Profile of your son as an adult, try to focus on the desired attributes that are timeless, and limit those that are too narrow or time sensitive. Focus on characteristics that last a lifetime and can be shared and enjoyed by future generations: your son’s family, children and grandchildren, and society as a whole. What kind of legacy would you like him to leave?
Think of these as gifts to your son, although the giving my not always be that easy. Instilling a good foundation of values and morals and teaching children good manners, self-discipline, respect for others and the environment is initially hard work and requires a lot of personal investment.
Raising good fathers
Margaret Mead, a ground breaking American anthropologist said, “think about how different society would be if we raised men to be good fathers?” It’s a powerful statement. Michael Thompson, author of Raising Cain and It’s A Boy! concurs. He feels that our focus as parents should not solely be on raising a successful businessman or a great sportsman. Dr Thompson has decades of experience as a therapist and working with boys. He has seen the effects of good, and the not-so-good, fathers on their sons, daughters, families and the community. He stresses the need to raise good fathers. More Good Men are what we need to build a better society.
Of course if your son is talented and succeeds in either the sporting, academic or other area that’s fantastic. But it should not be at the expense of being a Good Man. It may be more challenging to instill good values and morals in these otherwise successful boys because they get so much validation for their success in other areas. Being talented is one thing but will these boys be good role models?
“I’d like our future son to turn out like so-and-so…”
It’s so important to visualize the end product, the desired outcome and it needs detailed thought. Even if you don’t do it as a couple, do it as a mom. To help make it more real, put up a photo of this person or persons in the baby’s room, even before he is born, to provide a constant reminder of who you’d like your son to resemble.
Today’s mothers often wish for a strong, competent daughter over a son as they view sons as more troublesome to raise than a daughter. Women understand what it is like to be a girl. This understanding is less worrying than the unknown – a boy. Mothers may fear that they will lose their boys after pouring all their love into them over the years. It can also be a little daunting to raise a son in a society of abuse, rape, and violence, mostly perpetrated by men. Understandably women may be a little nervous about having a boy.
Talk about your hopes and fears as a couple and as parents to your son. It’s important to discuss what kind of man you want to raise. By compiling this vision, you will create an excellent foundation for your son and your role as a parent.
But, viewing boys as more troublesome immediately affects your relationship with him. Boys, let’s face it, are busier, more reckless, more active. They seem naughty, mischievous. They also utterly adore their moms, are absolutely lovable and view the world with a sense of wonder that is inspiring. Focus on the goal. By raising our sons to be Good Men we can change society one boy at a time.
Change your thoughts and change your world
Norman Vincent Peale said, “change your thoughts and change your world.” Think about the men in your life you have loved, admired, counted on, found to be funny and stable and supportive. Often the men you loved when you were a little girl are the kind of men you want your son to grow up to be. And it can be reassuring to look at that picture when your son is being a little rascal and remember that that man, who you loved, was once a little boy who used to be naughty and an occasional terror too.
Your relationship starts to develop before you give birth. Allow yourself fall in love. Think positively and be visionary. It’s completely normal to have worries and insecurities about being a parent and raising a child. But give yourself permission to also have wishes, dreams and positive visions. And, give yourself the time and space to just love and enjoy your son.
For our sons, I personally aim for something close to what The Mankind Project describes as The New Macho:
He cleans up after himself.
He cleans up the planet.
He is a role model for young men.
He is rigorously honest and fiercely optimistic.
He holds himself accountable.
He knows what he feels.
He knows how to cry and he lets it go.
He knows how to rage without hurting others.
He knows how to fear and how to keep moving.
He seeks self-mastery.
He’s let go of childish shame.
He feels guilty when he’s done something wrong.
He is kind to men, kind to women, kind to children.
He teaches others how to be kind.
He says he’s sorry.
He stopped blaming women or his parents or men for his pain years ago.
He stopped letting his defenses ruin his relationships.
He stopped letting his penis run his life.
He has enough self respect to tell the truth.
He creates intimacy and trust with his actions.
He has men that he trusts and that he turns to for support.
He knows how to roll with it.
He knows how to make it happen.
He is disciplined when he needs to be.
He is flexible when he needs to be.
He knows how to listen from the core of his being.
He’s not afraid to get dirty.
He’s ready to confront his own limitations.
He has high expectations for himself and for those he connects with.
He looks for ways to serve others.
He knows he is an individual.
He knows that we are all one.
He knows he is an animal and a part of nature.
He knows his spirit and his connection to something greater.
He knows that the future generations are watching his actions.
He builds communities where people are respected and valued.
He takes responsibility for himself and is also willing to be his brother’s keeper.
He knows his higher purpose.
He loves with fierceness.
He laughs with abandon, because he gets the joke.
read more: http://mankindproject.org/#ixzz1X4a99CS9
Bringing Up Boys ... Raising Good Men 