Lately, it has been brought to my attention the importance of being parents in our boys’ lives and not trying to be their friends all the time. Being a parent is really hard at times though. It involves setting boundaries and enforcing them; saying “no” about 200 times more than saying “yes”. It’s about broadening your boys’ horizons, not trying to maximise his pleasure.
One of my friend’s sons needs glasses. He does not want to wear them so they have resorted to bribery. The glasses will come with a brand new truck, chosen by the boy at the toy store – and then furtively smuggled to the optometrist in time for the collection of said spectacles. When I asked if the truck would be taken away if her son did not wear his glasses, she put her hand over her heart and said, “I can’t do that to my baby!” Since becoming a parent myself, I understand to well the meaning of tough love…
Of course we’d love nothing more than to make our little treasures continually happy. But how does saying “yes” and letting them do what they want to do work out in the long term? Not so well, I’d say.
Friendship is a reciprocal relationship between social peers. Our sons are not our social peers. You have the authority to limit or monitor your son’s exposure to television, the Internet and junk food. He does not have the right to do the same.
In his book, “Why Gender Matters”, Dr Leonard Sax talks about how dramatically society has changed in the past few decades, specifically with regard to the transfer of power from parent to child. Previously parents would tell their sons what was expected of them, what was for dinner and where they would be going to school and/or university. Now, the trend is to consult the child, who in the end makes the majority of final decisions, despite suggestions and even begging by the parents to the contrary.
We have gotten to the stage where we ask our children what they would like to do, eat and where they’d like to go on outings, and even vacations. Dr Norbert Elias calls the result status uncertainty, meaning that parents no longer are sure of what authority they have over their sons, they are in limbo, putting parents at a distinct disadvantage and eroding their authority to be real parents.
Okay, so that may not sound so bad when your son is four, but what about when he is twelve or even sixteen? Are you suddenly going to switch from being your son’s buddy to being his parent?
My boys respond best to firm structure, boundaries and, if required, punishment. Telling them what I expect from them, reinforcing it and praising them for doing their best to comply really work for me. The times when I am vague and fail to notify them upfront of what I expect, almost always come back to bite me in the proverbial butt. In my recent reading of Dr Sax’s book, he reinforces what I have intuitively known all along: boys respond best to strict, firm discipline – not abusive, mind you. In fact, research* has found that the stricter the approach to boys’ discipline, the better the boy’s social-cognitive skills. A warm and fuzzy approach to parenting actually appeared to retard the acquisition of social-cognitive skills. (Interestingly, for girls it is just the opposite where a warm and fuzzy approach promoted social skills and a strict approach had a negative effect on girls’ social development.)
My oldest has just started Grade 00 (four turning five) at a nearby private school for boys. He came from a Nursery School where the teachers were all called by their first names. Now its Mrs So-And-S0 and Mr Whatcha-ma-callit. Yesterday, we were at the Country Club and my sons went into the men’s change room to change into their swimming cozzies. When they came out empty handed I asked what they had done with their clothes. My four year old replied that the “sir” had told them they could leave it in a locker. I couldn’t have been more proud at the rapidly improving signs of respect for adults.
* Claire Hughes, Kirby Deater-Deckard and Alexandra Cutting as published in Dr Leonard Sax’s “Why Gender Matters”
Bringing Up Boys ... Raising Good Men 